I followed her down to the pit of despair.
She was not evil, she was kind.
It was not her, but me who was blind.
I had a moment of revelation today. Continuing from my previous post about needing to take a "time out from the world", I've been cutting down on my commitments, taking time away from the internet, and trying to get my head into a better place.
Today, I started watching "Falling Water". Properly. I posted about the series back on the 7th October and I used words like "VERY slow" and said it was probably going to get cancelled. But if anything, this is indicative of my mental state. Back in October I was obviously doing too much. This was at the start of the build up to Christmas in retail (ug), as well as working seven days a week in two jobs.
I couldn't concentrate on anything. I had the attention span of about ten minutes before I got bored and needed to try something else, check the internet, see if there were any more bloody messages on that app, check my emails, make some notes or something. I couldn't focus, I couldn't see the end of the week. I was unable to sleep, felt tired all the time, constantly catching colds, being quick tempered and irritable with everyone.
Today, thanks to the complete season one of Falling Water making its appearance on Amazon Prime, and thanks to the trial month, I gave the series another go. I'd only watched the pilot before, feeling my interest drifting away every five minutes. Now, trying it again, not only is it a revelation - a whole host of ideas for WILD firing off in my brain in a good way, but it really has shown me what my mental state was like just a few months ago.
In the last few weeks I've made big decisions, taken a step back from things, and trying to give my head time to get back into a normal space. I'm still a way from getting 100% - I still worry about everything, still have times when I can't sleep, but I can feel things easing slightly and that things should ease more in the future.
I've been really enjoying the series too. I'm only four episodes in, but loving every moment of it. And being able to sit, and watch a series without feeling super-twitchy and distracted, has been a delight.
I'll be continuing to cut back on things, giving myself a minute to breathe more often, before it all gets too much. Remember to do it yourself. Watch this video, listen to the wonders of Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross, and give yourself a minute to breathe.
Stay safe, and look after you and yours.