Finding it hard to concentrate on things, to keep my attention focused. Hell, it's hard to sleep. Dreams filled with work, work, worries and more work. I woke this morning after a dream of struggling to find something for work.
And then, I had a revelation. An epiphany of sorts. I've seen what I need to do. I need to disconnect. To take a time out from the world - to quote Goldfrapp. I realised where I had been going wrong all these many years. I've been trying to be something I'm not.
I'm not a film reviewer. I've dabbled in it, used to blog for the SyFy Channel's site back when it had blogs, but it's all just marketing movies and TV series that are being covered by every other site out there anyway. I loved going to the press conferences and screenings in London, but it's all at my expense and funds are tight at the moment. So I'm going to withdraw from that for a while. If I see something I really like, I'll write something about it, but it has to be a personal connection. You'll have noticed that in my past film reviews, I've tried to make it about how it made me feel - rather than a review of the film.
I'm not a Youtuber. I've dabbled in that too. Wrote a webseries, hosted some vidblogging events. I mean, let's face it, what's the point? I'm not hip, young or attractive, so it's hard to get casual viewers. And no one really cares. The one thing I've done on Youtube that I'm happy with was launching #RPGaDAY. Trying to get people talking in a positive way about gaming. I doubt I'll be doing that again this year, and #RPGaDAY is in very capable and safe hands with Anthony Boyd and the RPGBrigade. They'll keep it going and spread the spirit of what it's about far and wide. Thank you Brigaders.
I'm not a famous game designer. Sure I've worked on a lot of books, and designed the system that's used for the Doctor Who RPG. But in the end, I'm just some guy who played a lot of RPGs as a kid, and wrote a bit, but my dayjob is a normal retail one. I'm not famous. I'm not hugely successful. I'm not a "bankable name". I'm not making huge amounts of money out of it.
I need to reassess everything.
I need to get away from Facebook, Twitter, and all that nonsense. I need some "me" time.
Maybe it's a sign of my age, or our surroundings. The desire to pack up, move to the middle of nowhere with the wife and cat, and hide from the world is pretty strong at the moment.
Maybe it's the emotional punch of another family funeral this year, putting everything into context.
Maybe I'm just having a midlife crisis.
Sorry if I'm quiet. Sorry if I'm going to continue being quiet for the time being. I just need to get my head in a better place.
Meanwhile, may I take this opportunity to wish you all a better 2017.
Peace and Long Life.